What You Can do to Help a Friend or Family Member in an Abusive Relationship

 

• Help your friend recognize the abuse

Validate her or his experiences. Acknowledge the injustice - no one deserves to be abused under any circumstances. Point out the different types of abuse - acknowledge that emotional abuse can be just as destructive as physical or sexual assaults. Explain that abuse often escalates over time and that the attacks can become more frequent and more severe. To educate yourself more about domestic violence, contact your local domestic violence program or the statewide Network for information on books, videos, workshops.

 

• Express your concerns

Tell your friend that you are glad that s/he confided in you and that you are concerned for her/his safety and well-being. Let them know that you are here for them, that you will keep your conversations confidential,  and that the abuse is not their fault.

 

• Support your friend’s strength

Point out how your friend is a survivor and focus on how s/he has been able to cope with and survive a very difficult situation- emphasize her/his positive strengths as an individual.

 

• Be accepting

Be supportive if your friend is not willing to end the relationship. There are a myriad of reasons why s/he may decide to remain in an abusive situation for now (financial pressures, concern for the children, fear of death or escalating violence, no housing alternatives, societal pressure, religious beliefs, belief that it's the victim's fault etc.). Though it may be difficult, it is important that s/he not be pressured to make decisions that aren’t her /his own. Instead, be patient, and re-affirm that s/he is not to blame but that s/he will not be able to end the abuse by placating the abuser or altering her/his behavior. Remember: leaving may lead to escalation of violence and extreme danger. Leaving may require a lot of resources. And: Leaving is a PROCESS. Try to offer resources, remove barriers, and open doors for the survivor. Don't ever blame a survivor for staying - blame the abuser for abusing!

 

• Work on a safety plan

Help your friend plan for her/his  safety – look for patterns in the abuser’s behavior- i.e. when an argument is about to escalate into violence, avoid places where there may be potential weapons. Though it is not the victim's responsibility to stop the perpetrator's behavior, s/he can work on ways to increase her/his safety.  It is also important for her/him to have a safety plan if s/he is thinking of leaving the relationship - where will s/he go? How can s/he protect herself if the perpetrator escalates the violence? How will s/he survive financially? Local domestic violence programs can help with safety planning. There are printed safety planning tools available.

 

• Be there. Listen. And Stay there

It may feel as if your message is not getting through, but it is important to keep supporting your friend. Isolation will only make the victim's situation worse. Remember: this is a very complicated situation, and it may take a long time to resolve. It is our responsibility to open doors for survivors and hold abusers accountable.

 

• Reach out for help

Get support for yourself, if the situation gets you down. Call area resources for ideas and information - crisis lines also provide support and information for friends and family members of victims. They are open 24 hours a day and are confidential. Try to find other people who are in similar situations - and form support networks with them. 

 

Statewide domestic violence hotline:

1-800-228-7395 (1-800-ABUSE-95)

24-hours/day, free, confidential.

This line will automatically connect you with the closest domestic violence program.